Living In The Past
by when the lights go out
Summary: People say that love feels like magic, but isn’t magic just an illusion? Well what a cruel trick to play on such an unsuspecting victim. Oneshot.


**A/N: Thought of this when I listened  
to an old song that me and my ex used  
to listen to. Which isn't this song (which  
is HURT by the Nine Inch Nails) It's Kids  
by MGMT, but I thought this song would be  
better for the story. Most of these feelings  
are my own. I wrote this after we broke up.**

**Disclaimed.**

**. . .**

Derrick was sitting on his bed at home when his mother called to him.

"Yeah?" He called.

"You've got a letter." She said, handing it to him.

He ran up to his room. It had no return address. Only his name in a script that he knew, but couldn't remember.

He opened his letter.

**- - -**

_Derrick, _

this is for you.

You had to know how I felt.

You had to know the reason why.

_I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything_

Pain.

It's all I feel right now.

I could feel the hot, wet tears rolling down my cheeks as I thought about him.

About how he hurt me.

I eyed the razor next to me. I watched as I took it into my hands and let it cut through my skin. I hurt myself again. But now the pain was easier to deal with. One pain took away the other. But then I thought about him again.

I loved him so much. I thought we were perfect.

Boy, how wrong I was.

When I thought we were doing perfect, he thought the opposite. He told me that he didn't feel the same about me anymore. As I think about him, I can feel the longing in my heart. I wish that we could be together again. I can feel the emptiness of my soul, for you were my joy, my happiness. You were my life. It hurts me so much to let you go.

Do you have any idea how painful this is for me?

No, you wouldn't.

I hated you so much. All I wanted was for you to be happy. I did everything you wanted. I did everything I could to keep you with me. But I guess it wasn't enough, because now, you're gone.

_What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt_

Do you have any idea how much I loved you? How much I still love you? Do you have any idea how much I gave up just to be with you? I lost my parents trust, I spent hundreds of dollars on you, and I lost my best friend. All for you. And guess what I got in return?

Pain.

Misery.

Sorrow.

You're hurting me so much. Do you not see the affect you're having on me? I'm breaking inside. I'm hurting so much.

You're killing me.

'What if this never happened?' I ask myself hopefully. 'What if this isn't real?'

But then I look down ay my arms and I see all of my scars and realize that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to change what happened, because scars remind us that the past is real. You can't possibly imagine how hurt I am. You can't see how bad you've broken me. You shattered my heart. You made my dreams dissolve.

I want to tear myself from this sick, twisted world in which we are all forced to live. I had only just begun to grasp an understanding of this new thing called _life_ when you started to strip away all meaning and changed everything.

_I wear this crown of shit  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
Beneath the stains of time  
The feelings disappear  
You are someone else  
I am still right here_

As I pass you in the hallways, your laugh and your smiles seem to mock my feelings. You simply ignore my hurt. My pain. My misery. Everything that you have caused in me.

I see the way you look at me, now, like just a piece of shit. Like I never meant anything to you. Like…

Like you never loved me.

And how would I ever know if you did?

My tears start falling faster and faster until the tears seem to pour out of my eyes.

You know nothing about how I feel. I'm so good at hiding my feelings that I'm surprised when someone knows how I really feel.

I ignore my friend when she tries to talk to me. But she grabs my shoulders and spins me around to face her. She makes me look at her face as she speaks her words to me.

"You act like I haven't seen the way you changed and how hard you have to try to keep that smile on your face everyday. I see how much you're hurting and I can see right through your façade."

I look at her, stunned.

But I simply walk away.

_What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end_

I plug my headphones of my iPod into my ears and listen to a song.

Our song, I realize.

I think of you again and I begin to cry again.

I feel as if my life has ended. I have nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. And I have no mask to hide behind.

My pain is too much to hide anymore.

As I see you walk by with your new girl, I feel my jealousy rise. I feel that pit in my stomach. I feel betrayed and more pain.

You're pathetic.

I hate you so much. But I still love you. More than the world.

You turn to face me, to look at me for the first time since we broke up…more than three months ago. Instead of mockery that I thought I would see, I see your pain, your hurt. But it isn't as great as mine.

You call out my name.

But I walk away.

_You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way_

I know that we'll never be able to be together again.

People say that love feels like magic, but isn't magic just an illusion? Well what a cruel trick to play on such an unsuspecting victim.

I hate you. I love you. What am I going to do?

My heart beats faster as I imagine you kissing me. But then it fades back to normal as I realize that it's only a memory. I have to stop living this way. I have to stop living in the past.

You're hurting me so much.

The hardest part of living, is taking breaths to stay. I want to live without you. I want to move on. But I can't. This is the only way I'll be able to get over you. The only way I'll be able to forget you.

You once told me that all guys think about a breakup for months afterward, and I wonder, _are you thinking of me now_?

- - -

Derrick now remembered who's handwriting it was.

It was Dylan Marvil's.

But, how could that be?

Dylan Marvil was dead.

And Derrick was the reason why.

- - -

**I hope you liked it.  
Songs that I used to help  
me write this:**

**Scars – Papa Roach  
Miserable at Best – Mayday Parade  
Hurt – Nine Inch Nails  
Where'd You Go – Fort Minor**

**Review.**


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